Today was 1 year since Malcolm passed away. It is hard to believe that it has been a year. It feels like ages ago, but also feels just like yesterday. Some of the emotions and moments and thought processes, phone calls and messages with James still feel so fresh.
In the morning I didn't feel like going out of our room. I didn't know what to do, say, how to act. Do you mention it or do you just carry on like nothing is different? The kids did well with that. They have such a simple view of life. But I got up, I spent time doing my quiet time and giving the day and all the emotions to God. I asked him to just be guiding me, my conversations, my emotions. It was hard because it felt like there was an elephant in the room for most of the morning.
I was messaging Rach too, something that I was doing a year ago. She has been so wonderful in giving me space to just say what I'm thinking, feeling and helping me know that it is ok and normal to respond this way.
We got up and ready and gave Nana J a postanthera plant, one that Malcolm loved. She had one in her garden last year but it died so we thought we'd give it another go. We then headed to Enzo's for breakfast together, something that Malcolm loved to do with us when we came up here. Unfortunately Aly woke with a sore throat so she stayed home with Ryan but Jenny and Maddie still came which was lovely.
For breakfast Daniel asked if they could have orange juice, something that Boompa would always enjoy there. We said yes, but wouldn't follow it up with a long black. Not yet at least.
After breakfast we headed over to the park where the kids had fun climbing and playing for around an hour. I do love how well the kids get along together.
We then headed back home. We did some bits and pieces to prepare for Nan's 100th birthday tomorrow and the kids played around the house. It was quite a quiet day. We didn't get up much else. Charlie boy got many pats today too. I do wonder how much he misses Malcolm or if he has just adapted to who is around and is just happy to get pats.
Dinnertime was pizzas cooked on the bbq, including a seafood pizza (Malcolm would approve) although it wasn't a green curry prawn pizza. Then the kids went to bed. After a bit we headed to bed too, gave Julie a hug and had a little cry. He has been in our thoughts for the day. As night came, the reality of what happened last year was still on her mind, a very real feeling. She went to bed with her tea, her thoughts and her memories. I sent her a prayer as I went to sleep, a small way of continuing to support her. She is so strong, so supportive of others.
For me as the day went on, the elephant in the room got smaller. We spoke about Malcolm, we hugged, the kids and Nan's birthday were a good distraction of things that we needed to do, we laughed at TV shows at night and we slept ok. The unknown of the day is what seems to be more overwhelming for me. Not knowing what to say or do. I can't imagine what it is like to lose the one you love, your partner in crime. I don't want to experience it to be honest. But I am glad that those who love me and those who love Julie are around us and for the support of God and others to help you carry on. I see it in Julie and I know it would be the same for me.
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