Newborn days

It is amazing to feel the difference in my emotions after having each of the kids. After having Daniel, James and I knew we wanted to have a 2nd child. The question was just when. Definitely didn't want it right away but wanted the kids to be closeish in age, like Jens and I and James and Jenny.

Eliza's timing was perfect. 21 months apart and we had our gorgeous girl. While pregnant I was sure that she was going to be our last baby, but after having her and while sitting in the hospital I remember clearly thinking 'I could do this again' followed closely by 'what the heck?? I always said 2 kids. What is this wanting a third feeling?' Let alone feeling it so quickly after giving birth. I put it down to hormones, over thinking and just being sad that I wouldn't be seeing Dr Booker and Rhonda again, especially after how much care they had shown me for both Daniel and Eliza.

But that feeling never went away for me, the feeling of I wanted a 3rd child. It's not that I wasn't happy with Daniel and Eliza. Quite the opposite I think. I was so happy with them that I felt a third would be a lovely addition. That questioning just didn't go away.

Then we found we were pregnant with Alexander. It was a shock because we hadn't definitely decided that we wanted a third child but it was also a joy because Iv I was honest with myself, I really did want 3 kids I just was overthinking the changes and practicality that would need to happen when a third came along - cat, house, life in general.

But now that Alexander is here I am feeling that our family is so complete, so perfect. I am not wanting or even considering a 4th child - completely different thoughts and emotions to last time. Yes, I  am sad about all the 'last times' moments. Things like - the last time having a new life grow inside me, bringing a newborn home for the first time, the last time they are given their first bath, not seeing Dr Booker and Rhonda again (after 6 weeks), the last time of dressing my baby in 0000 (hasn't happened yet but will be soon) plus all the things that are to come - smiles, rolling, crawling, walking, speaking, etc. But the sadness doesn't make me feel that I want a 4th baby, different feeling to when I had Eliza. This time when people ask if I will have another I say a definite 'no. This is all'. James too is definite about this being all - his reasons are different. A strong reason is that he doesn't want to buy a van for a car. Ha. But seriously, he is so content with us as a family of 5 too.

So I am trying to make the most of these newborn days knowing that they are our last time going through them. Yes, they are hard at times but they are so precious too. Even the night feeds. They are really hard to get up to at the moment. I feel sick when I put Alexander in bed at the end of a feed because I don't know if he is going to settle or stay awake all night crying. But I am making the most of the cuddles and precious time. Even now as I type, I keep pausing to glance at my beautiful boy.

I am making the most of watching him sleep in my arms - something I was afraid to do with Eliza because of a fear she'd only sleep that way. This time I am embracing it when I get the chance.

I can't explain the feeling that I get when I am watching Alexander. It's kinda like I feel sick but in a good way. Maybe more like butterflies in my tummy. I just have that much love for him. It just warms my heart.

I am very blessed with my 3 kiddies.