Well, what a month this has been!
3 weeks ago, on Thursday, 25th June, Malcolm Noble my Father-in-law passed away. Then 2 weeks ago, Wednesday 1st July, Grandma passed away.
On Monday 22nd, James decided to come up to Hervey Bay to be near his parents. He organised to be at the little units across the road from them so he had space to work and so his parents had their own space too. His parents didn't ask him to come up, he just wanted to be close to his Dad so he came. He had flights booked to come back on Friday night so he'd be there for Daniel's birthday on Saturday.
When he arrived Malcolm was needing oxygen at times to move around the house. This was a new development over the weekend. The next day he needed it to just move from the garage to inside. Then he needed it the whole day. James and his mum realised that he needed someone to be with him each moment in the day. James took time off work to help do some sorting with his dad. Then Thursday came and Malcolm was not good. James called me and said that we should come up a week early to try and see his dad. He also asked if I had written a letter that I wanted to write to him before he passed away. I hadn't. So while the kids were at school I sat down, wrote the letter and put it into the post. By the afternoon James messaged saying that he didn't know how much longer his dad had. That night James and I messaged a few times about how hard it was with his dad. He was delirious, he was resisting help, resisting heading to bed, resisting going to sleep. Eventually James, Jenny and Julie all helped get Malcolm to bed and Julie lay with him. James and Jenny were there at different times to help be with him too. At one point James and Julie went out to pray together. It was all too much. The thought of this being the new norm for the next 3 weeks (as the palliative nurse predicted) was all too much. The time of pausing and praying together was really helpful for both James and Julie to just be able to give it to God.
Then about an hour later, Julie was lying on the bed next to Malcolm as he gave his last breath. James said that his dad waited until it was just Julie and him, while James took the bins out.
James called me to let me know. I had a cry. I called Mum and Dad to let them know and to have a cry with them too. Rach was messaging me through the night asking how I was, oblivious to how bad Malcolm was so I asked James if he could tell Tim and Rach that his Dad passed away. He did and Rach straight away asked if she could call me. This girl has been such a blessing to me!! She has been a rock for me and has been keeping me on the go. We chatted for about 30mins. We cried together, we chatted, we sat in silence. I wish she was here to chat in person and to be able to hug. But it was such a blessing to chat face to face (over the phone). I was shaking, I was in shock at how suddenly Malcolm went. I was scared to tell the kids that their Boompa had passed away. I was nervous about how to do it and when. Afterall it was Daniel's birthday playdate with cupcakes Friday afternoon and then Daniel's birthday on Saturday. It was all a bit much really! I decided that I would wait until after Daniel's friends left on Friday afternoon to tell the kids. Mum and Dad offered to be here when I told them but I felt it was something that I needed to do on my own. I didn't sleep the best that night. I was shaky, I woke each hour, found it hard to go back to sleep, felt sick, and cried lots.
Friday morning I wrote a letter for each of the teachers to let them know that we were heading up because he was terminally ill, but then on Friday while the kids were at school sent them a message letting them know that Malcolm had passed away but that the kids didn't know yet. I organised with the school to get the leave pass so that I could take that in the car with me. I had a smile on my face in amongst the tears that kept coming to my eyes. Mum and Dad were around Friday morning which was a huge help! They occupied Alexander so I could run around and organise everything, have a cry, pop to the shops to get things for the car, etc. My Bible Study girls were praying for me which I really felt the support. They were willing to help me out in any way possible but things seemed to be mostly organised. Friday afternoon at pick up I had a few tears when I saw Cathy and Grant and Anne because I had messaged them the news. We then headed home and had smiles for Daniel's little party. He had a wonderful time!
Then after his friends left, I sat the kids down on the couch and told them that Boompa had died. That his sickness didn't get better, the medicine didn't help but he is now free from pain. With each question they asked I tried to tell them as honestly as I could. I am so grateful that in church a few weeks ago, we learnt about God saying 'yes, no and wait'. After that talk I felt the Holy Spirit guiding me to speak about Boompa and his sickness. The kids had been praying for Boompa to be healed and I was worried that they might be more upset thinking God didn't hear or answer their prayer. So I spoke with them about God might say yes to healing Boompa, or no or he might wait a while to answer it. This gave me a way to start the chat with the kids. I reminded them about that talk and how God says 'yes, no or wait' and spoke about how we had been praying for Boompa to get better. I told them that sadly God had answered no to that prayer and Boompa had died. We don't know why he said no to that prayer but we need to remember that God is a good God and that he loves us, wants what is best for us and will help us during this time.
They did have different questions. Daniel thought Boompa had caught cancer from someone else (like the Corona Virus) but I explained that cancer is different. It is where a part of the body stops working properly. Sometimes medicine helps that part get better, but in Boompa's case, his lungs didn't get better and that was why he died. He also thought he had breast cancer (the most commonly talked about cancer) so I explained that it was lung cancer and that it stopped his lungs working properly. They asked why he stopped having the medicine and I told them it was because it wasn't helping fix the sickness, it just made Boompa feel worse. Alexander asked if Boompa would come back to life. I told him that Boompa isn't like Jesus and he won't come back to life. He was sad when I told him that. Eliza asked how Boompa died. I told her that he was lying down next to Nana J and he just peacefully stopped breathing. I was intentional about leaving out that he was asleep when he passed away because that might have made them worried about going to sleep. There were many more questions and I did my best to listen and answer each one. Then I went to make dinner. Eliza was quite upset and clingy, Alexander was similar (but I think that was more copying Eliza) and Daniel was just inquisitive about it all. To help Eliza she helped me get dinner ready. She just wanted to be close to me. I am proud of the way that I spoke with the kids, I don't really want to have those conversations often but I want to be honest about it when I need to have them. Little did I know that so soon I would need to have another one of these chats with the kids.
Mum and Dad decided that they would help drive us up to Hervey Bay which was amazing and generous of them! It was quite fun actually having a little road trip with them. They drove their car in convoy with ours, they had one kid in their car and they helped share the driving. We stopped at Coffs Harbour on Monday night, and then Tuesday night we stopped at Tweed Heads.
At Daniel's birthday party on Saturday Auntie Sue told me that she was going to take Grandma to hospital on Sunday if she wasn't getting better. She wasn't eating much, she wasn't able to get up off the couch and hadn't for the last 3 weeks, she wasn't being very coherent and was just very very lethargic. I was worried about her. But I didn't have time to go and see her. After all, Grandma always bounces back from sicknesses. I had called her on Friday to let her know about Malcolm passing away but the phone call wasn't one that I really want to remember. She thought I was Jenny, even though I said Debbie multiple times. She was blunt (as she normally is, but even more blunt) and when I asked how she was she responded with 'I won't be there on Saturday for Daniel's birthday. I'm just not up to it. Ok. Bye.' I didn't even get to say bye to her or I love you before she hung up. Sunday she went into hospital and they were going to do some tests. Monday as we drove up north Auntie Sue messaged to say that they were going to put Grandma on a ward as she had a UTI bacterial infection so they gave her penicillin. She was hungry so they thought she was getting better.
Tuesday we got a message from Auntie Sue at lunch time saying that Grandma was worse today. She had blood in her urine and she needed a blood transfusion. She was very confused. They then had problems doing the blood transfusion and then did a cat scan on her stomach area. They found that she was bleeding into the gut. When we were at Tweed Heads Mum gave Auntie Sue a call to talk it through. They gave Grandma the choice to have an operation to try and close the bleed or to just leave it. If they left it Grandma would pass away in the next day or 2. Surprisingly Grandma opted for the operation (we honestly thought she would just want to go. Part of the thinks she wanted to hold on for us but I don't know. Maybe she wanted to try to stick around). The risk with the operation is that she might not wake up from the general. But it was a risk Grandma was willing to take. I encouraged Mum and Dad to head back home to see Grandma. Mum was unsure but I told her that James and my motto this whole time with his Dad was 'no regrets' which is why James was up there this past week. So mum decided that they would stay the night, have breakfast with us and then head home to see Grandma. We had tears, I called the kids over from the play equipment and told them that Grayma is now sick. She has a cut inside her. When it's on the outside we can put cream and a bandaid on it but when it is on the inside, the doctors need to find where it is which can be tricky and then try to fix it which can also be tricky. If they can't find it, then Grandma will probably die, but hopefully they could fix it and she will get better. The kids were a bit sad, but also hungry so Alexander promptly said 'I'm hungry, can I have something to eat.' They played a little bit more and Mum apologised that Eliza wouldn't get to go in the car with them. I called Eliza over to tell her that she wouldn't get to go in Nana and Poppy's car because they were going to head back to Grayma and that was what made her the most upset. We couldn't do anything about it, so compromised with her being in their car by herself the next time the grandkids were over at Nana and Poppy's place. She was still upset but accepted that idea. Auntie Sue called back to say that they found the hole and she was bleeding into her stomach but it was too big to fix. They had stitched her back up and had her in ICU on a breathing machine so that Mum could get back to see her.
We had dinner together, then headed back to our motel rooms. I put the kids to bed and we reorganised the cars so Daniel could still sit in the back. I was impressed with my packing skills! Then said goodnight to Mum and Dad. I spoke with James on the phone, sent messages to friends asking for prayer and then wrote a little note for Grandma. I wouldn't be able to say bye to her. I knew that. So I sent the letter to Jens and Auntie Sue, asking them if one of them could please be my voice to say bye to her and tell her I loved her. Jenny kindly did it for me on the Wednesday and sent me a photo of Grandma with the letter.
We said bye to Mum and Dad after breakfast and I drove to Eumundi where we met up with James. I was able to drive all the way but Julie and James organised for their friend Hugo to drive James down so that I didn't have to go the whole way by myself. What a blessing this man is, so selfless and so supportive!
When we got to Julie's place to have a play and dinner together she gave me the biggest hug. We were chatting for just a few minutes when I got the message that Grandma had passed away and Mum and Dad were an hour away. My heart broke! They tried so hard to get back to see her and she couldn't hold on. Mum and Dad were ok with it as they were still going to go and see her, she'd just look more at peace without the tubes and everything sticking out of her. But still. My heart broke for them, for me. I wanted so desperately for Mum to be able to tell Grandma that she loved her one last time, especially when I couldn't. I just broke down. I went outside and cried. But then again, felt I had to pull it together because we were up there for Julie and Jenny and to process what had gone on with Malcolm. Julie and Jenny both gave me a big hug and said how sorry they were that I couldn't be there and for my loss.
It was so hard to get my head around it all and how I was to respond. Maybe I did the wrong thing in trying to hold it together to be strong for the kids and for James. Maybe I should have broken down in the moment. Maybe not. Funny how my motto as I said was 'no regrets' yet I am questioning what I have done. I have shed tears as I typed this. I shed tears at both of the funerals. I have shed tears at different times. The kids often asked me 'why are you upset Mum?' and I've just told them I'm sad about Boompa and Grayma dying. I've tried to be real and I've tried to be strong.
It is through God's strength that I have carried on. It is through the amazing love and support of my family, both here and in Hervey Bay (yes, I call James' family my family too). It is through the amazing love and support of my friends here at home who have been upholding me in prayer and who have heard my many many prayer requests. It is through my Bible Study girls who have asked how I am and messaged and prayed when I had no words to pray myself. They have put me first through this which has been amazing. It is through my Scottish family - Rach, Tim and Ruth and Charlie who have messaged, called, touched base each and every day since all this started to go south. They have been my rock and kept me going straight. It is through God's word that gives me strength. It is through my marriage that I have been able to stand. It has been hard and heart breaking to see the one that you love in so much hurt, and pain and to feel so lost and to not be able to do a thing to help change it. But it will make us stronger. James is my safe place, and I am his. We are here for eachother. It is through my kids distracting me that I have been able to escape and it is through my church family that we have been able to carry on once home - flowers, hampers, prayers.
God is good all the time, and all the time God is good. Even in these crazy times!
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