Feeding

This past week James and I have been trying to work out what to do with feeding for Daniel. A couple of weeks ago James got Daniel up and ready for the day before I gave him milk (something that I do each morning when he wakes up). He was confused by why Daniel got upset when leaving his bedroom, and then remembered that he hadn't had milk. We decided that it was clear he still wanted a morning milk feed. 

Last week I was getting ready for the day when Daniel woke up, so James went in and got him ready for the day. He was happy to be in the back room playing, even without having milk. James and I were trying to work out if we should just leave the milk feed then to wean him off the morning feed. It was really hard to work out. I know that it is beneficial to have breastmilk for as long as he wants. I wanted to feed him for as long as he wants (even with Squeak on the way/around). It would be easier to just feed one kid when Squeak comes. We thought that we would just leave it and start the morning with breakfast... but then I started to have a panic attack. I had shortness of breath and started to cry. James stopped what he was doing and helped calm me down. He decided that it was clear that I was not ready to stop feeding. I sat down on the chair and decided that Daniel could decided. I asked him if he wanted to have some milk, where he nodded his head and walked over to me and asked to come 'up'. 

It was nice feeding him. It felt right. So we have decided to just continue it morning and night. Don't know when to finish.

Last night I went out with my family to celebrate Dad's retirement. (As an aside, I'm so proud of Dad and the work that he did at SACS. It has been many years, fun times and hard times, but such commitment, passion and love for teaching, his students, timetabling, sport, etc. It was lovely to hear stories from his work buddies and to hear about 'work Dad', as side which we don't really get to see. And it was lovely to chat with his work buddies too, as well as have great chats with Jens). Being out for dinner meant that James gave Daniel a bottle (which he took happily). It also meant that when I got home I expressed. This was the first time since I stopped taking motillium so I didn't really know how much milk I could express. I was thinking that it would be around 20-40mls like I could express before I started taking motillium but didn't know. 

I started on the left side and expressed nothing. Absolutely nothing. I know this is Daniel's less preferred side but I didn't expect nothing. I then went to the right side and managed to express... a few drops. This is quite a drop from the 100mls I could express with the motillium, even the 20-30mls from when I was first feeding. This made me feel quite sad. It has made me question how much milk Daniel is actually drinking from me and also whether I continue feeding him or if I should just wean him. I know that he can get more than what is expressed. That I understand, but it just makes me question. More thoughts, more confusion. But at the moment, just sadness at how little milk is left and wondering if this is close to the end of a very special journey with Daniel and I.